Coming back from Brazil didn’t work out as planned … ideas and dreams didn’t materialise as I hoped. Funny that; why didn’t I suspect? How can we? I, for one am aware of impermanence but that is what we read in books. It ain’t real?
During our stay and the weeks before, my daughter and her dear partner decided to separate. No matter how amicable we try to be there is always a sore place and we found ourselves there from time to time, struggling in a muddle of blame, guilt and shame. However, it didn’t spoil our holiday; family get-togethers are never perfect events … but families are human far from perfect. We survived, the hurt remains and this affects us more deeply now we are home and no longer able to give them both a hug.
During our holiday we were given another blow below the belt. My only brother was involved in a road accident and as a result had a lower leg amputated. This was horrible as it is only 2 years since my daughter and partner were hit by a car and had badly broken legs. This was terrible for us but for my brother a tragedy a huge shock … I won’t dwell on this as he is recovering well; a brave man coping admirably although I understand the darkness at times is beyond compare.
These past events, more importantly those with my brother have affected me and my sisters differently … for me my hair fell as it does in times of real despair so as I sit here clutching my spiky remains bemoaning my lack of motivation on the blogging front and he …
Leaves hospital on crutches to face the world seemingly so cruel; I send love to those who really do have a right to be at a loss … yet go on to be braver, more courageous and better beings … namaste
I have been back in UK for a week now. As, I anticipated my return I hoped that I might find some eagerness to return to regularly posting. Perhaps, I did; I have posted most days but to different blogs so maybe that amounts to the same. I should not then feel so badly.
On the plus side I have continued to read while my creativity levels have not yet risen. That might have some positive effect on my writing skills at least. So I live in hope.
This week I have been reading a book by Derek Jarman called Chroma ; a book of colour – June ‘93 I am enjoying so much I have bought a second copy to give as a gift. I am not able to give reasons for my delight … just quote this poem that it says it all
Brilliant, gorgeous, painted, gay,
Vivid, flaunting, tearaway,
Glowing, flaring, lurid, loud,
Screaming shrieking, marching, proud,
Mellow, matching, deep and sombre,
Pastel, sober, dead and dull,
Constant, colourful, chromatic,
Party-coloured and prismatic,
Tattooed, dyed, illuminated,
Daub and scumble, dip and dye,
High-keyed colour, colour lie.
My daughter and I don’t get the opportunity to sit and draw together very often. When it happens it is good, last week a session on the front at Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro; the sea, sand and sun was the cherry on the top.
I have been away for the last 3 weeks and not inclined to spend time not enjoying my holiday; and for a time leading to this event I have been distracted my blog and regular posting. As you know I go to Rio this time of year to visit my daughter and although it is bus, I do usually enjoy continuing to post daily to my blog. It was at times difficult; while there was endless super subject matter the internet connection was often unreliable, nonetheless it didn’t spoil the holiday and I was happy.
This year somehow the need to post daily was not so great even as the new year began and began our plans to visit Brazil, then with my health problems; blogging was seemingly less important.
So life went on and we went to Rio.
Sadly, with some serious family issues at home and Rio, blogging again a didn’t seem like a major priority; so on the back burner already it seem correct to shelve if a while.
This proved to be a welcome decision … instead of looking around for opportunities to snapshot and share, I rested and reflected on the here and now. Not looking at the big picture; but glimpses we had missed previous years. So while we did explore and enjoy the holiday, it was more about soothing, celebrating and reminding ourselves of the last 5 years, watching not the Christ, Sugar Loaf, Copacabana, Ipanema, coffee shops and cafes, but the sunrises, sunsets, cool breezes, hot breathes, aches and joys. We did some mending of wounds and celebrating separation and impermanence; deadly lessons but also beautiful acceptance that I thought I had dealt with 5 years ago and is now a fait accompli but not with longing and despair but of anticipation and new beginnings for us all.