Today is a holiday for me; the University is closed. This year the University of Reading celebrates its 90th Anniversary. While the last months haven’t all been joyous; with cuts in spending, redundancies, job losses and more difficulties ahead, we have welcomed this day tacked onto the Bank Holiday to make an extended weekend.
Some of my colleagues will go away; Reading Festival bring hoards of dishevelled and noisy teenagers to the town, a getaway is a good plan. I, on the other hand am staying at home to enjoy some time to myself.
Since returning from Brazil 4 weeks ago I have been busy pleasing myself alongside which they’re have been some demanding factors that have taken me to a dark and lonely place. Try as I might to be a good parent or strong dependable big sister I didn’t always make it.
Each day I have faced a mirror from which reflected a head of decreasing hair; a tuft or two are struggling as we speak. Yes! I have been here before and don’t need reminding … but it is complicated. Grief is.
However, it can be your friend, like joy, anger and regret, if we greet it from a balanced or best, in the true place then it can strengthen, motivate, inspire and even catapult us to a stable and more comfortable place.
So while my bald head is not such a pretty sight; injuries do repair, relationships mend and hope remains … Good wishes to those who understand depression and complicated grief.
Coming back from Brazil didn’t work out as planned … ideas and dreams didn’t materialise as I hoped. Funny that; why didn’t I suspect? How can we? I, for one am aware of impermanence but that is what we read in books. It ain’t real?
During our stay and the weeks before, my daughter and her dear partner decided to separate. No matter how amicable we try to be there is always a sore place and we found ourselves there from time to time, struggling in a muddle of blame, guilt and shame. However, it didn’t spoil our holiday; family get-togethers are never perfect events … but families are human far from perfect. We survived, the hurt remains and this affects us more deeply now we are home and no longer able to give them both a hug.
During our holiday we were given another blow below the belt. My only brother was involved in a road accident and as a result had a lower leg amputated. This was horrible as it is only 2 years since my daughter and partner were hit by a car and had badly broken legs. This was terrible for us but for my brother a tragedy a huge shock … I won’t dwell on this as he is recovering well; a brave man coping admirably although I understand the darkness at times is beyond compare.
These past events, more importantly those with my brother have affected me and my sisters differently … for me my hair fell as it does in times of real despair so as I sit here clutching my spiky remains bemoaning my lack of motivation on the blogging front and he …
Leaves hospital on crutches to face the world seemingly so cruel; I send love to those who really do have a right to be at a loss … yet go on to be braver, more courageous and better beings … namaste
I have been back in UK for a week now. As, I anticipated my return I hoped that I might find some eagerness to return to regularly posting. Perhaps, I did; I have posted most days but to different blogs so maybe that amounts to the same. I should not then feel so badly.
On the plus side I have continued to read while my creativity levels have not yet risen. That might have some positive effect on my writing skills at least. So I live in hope.
This week I have been reading a book by Derek Jarman called Chroma ; a book of colour – June ‘93 I am enjoying so much I have bought a second copy to give as a gift. I am not able to give reasons for my delight … just quote this poem that it says it all
Brilliant, gorgeous, painted, gay,
Vivid, flaunting, tearaway,
Glowing, flaring, lurid, loud,
Screaming shrieking, marching, proud,
Mellow, matching, deep and sombre,
Pastel, sober, dead and dull,
Constant, colourful, chromatic,
Party-coloured and prismatic,
Tattooed, dyed, illuminated,
Daub and scumble, dip and dye,
High-keyed colour, colour lie.