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Saturday and going home … ?

April 6, 2013

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This is undoubtedly one of the worst days of my life.There have been a few of such days as you know separation and its various manifestations for me has taken it toll over the years.

The effect of these traumas have left scars that come to the fore when a parting looms.  Even though I can look at the cognitive phenomenon; while in its midst there seems no end.  The pain wrenches at my soul and sensibility is lost.

However, I can say this has been a most wonderful holiday.  I have learned much about Rio, Brazil, my daughter, her ‘relationship’ and her work. They are more comfortable than they were a year ago.   Although my daughters legal status is not yet confirmed she is in a position to improve and maintain a degree of stability; which I could not foresee in the UK for many years if she was to move back. 

I have learned a lot about myself; ultimately how badly I react to the problems with the internet but by the end of the holiday I was able to discover ways in which to overcome some of the difficulties. Albeit with a lot of pouting.  Another fear I had that was partly connected to communication skill and the lack of and generally parenting.  Whilst at home (in Brazil) there was no difficulty with language.  It was of course while out and about without even a few words we were very vulnerable and at risk on all levels. For Instance this week while waiting for my daughter at the metro,  an armed policeman stood nearby with a hand firmly on his rifle and a steely stare.  I was delighted to see my girl running down the platform. 

So it seemed we were the children needing the constant care and attention not always a comfortable position for an aging parent not ready yet to be ‘cared for.’ Nonetheless by the end of the holiday we were venturing alone beyond the confines of the favela on to the metro and buses without to much difficulty.

So all this leaves me in an unhappy place for two reasons; the first quite obviously I will not be seeing my daughter and son-in- law for at least a year and I know things are OK for them but the separation is far from ideal.

Also it seems that I have spent the whole year preparing for this trip … I do not regret one moment but it leaves me thinking … ‘What next?’

I don’t want to spend my time looking to March 2014 and the void.

But what else?

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